Tito and Jenna are having Twins - I poke fun.

For those of you who don't know...Ah, who am I kidding? Everyone knows (possibly retired?) Porn Star Jenna Jameson, and perhaps very intimately - albeit - from a distance (between the sofa and the TV). What you might not know (likely if your a girl) is that she's dating Mix-Martial Arts Fighter and former UFC Middleweight/Light-Heavyweight Champion - dubbed the "Huntington-Beach Bad-Boy" Tito Ortiz (Wins:15 - Losses:06 - Draws:01).

Tito - now no longer with the UFC - is fresh off of a loss from rising MMA star and my particular favorite Ryoto "Lyoto" (rymes with "Kyoto") Carvalho "The Dragon" Machida (13-00-00) but has much to look forward to as he will soon be the Father of twins from his love-interest/girl-friend/wife/idon'tknowwhatthehellsheisatthispoint Jenna.

Proof that I'm not making this up: the following (in pink) was listed on her official MySpace.Com account (http://www.myspace.com/JennaJameson)

September 23, 2008 - Tuesday
Twins!!!!!!
Current mood: ecstatic

Yes everyone, I can officially confirm that Tito and I are expecting twins! I had my second ultrasound today and was greeted by two big healthy babies with pounding hearts. I can't even express the extreme serenity that came over me once I saw my children inside me. It has been my dream to have children for an exremely long time, and I truly feel like finally... the time is right and god has blessed me. I have never felt more like a woman, or more alive.

Tito is happier than I have ever seen him, it is so fulfilling to see him so proud. He looked me in the eye today after our doctors appointmet and said "I'm the luckiest man on earth... thank you for having my babies". I cried.

i have been spending my days on bedrest, not because it is doctor ordered... but because, I am so incredibly fatigued and nauseous. Its hard to drag myself out of bed some mornings, which is hard for me... since I am always so active! I have officially gained 7 pounds so far, and am planning on a lot more. I crave fruit by the gallon... ornages and pineapple are at the top of my list. Cereal at 3 am suits me every night!

Lastly, I want to thank all of you for your unwavering support. It means so much to me, I don't think you even know. There are a lot of nasty comments from insensitive people, but in my state of incredible happiness... It doesnt matter what they say!

I love all of you!

JJ

Source: http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=14030326&blogID=435288996

***

I truly wish them all (Tito, Jenna, the Twins, the Mystery Father, Jenna's Dad, the Doctor, the Nurse, Club Jenna, Vivid Entertainment, Silicon Valley, etc. and anyone else who shares in this moment) the best of luck, happiness and success, but for the sake of hilarity (I tried to refrain from, but couldn't bring myself to stop laughing) I will now pick apart Jenna's blog and make fun of a few select statements. Warning, this is likely to be in bad taste, so if you're the type that gets easily offended (and doesn't like getting offended - I presume there are some out there who do like getting offended, believe me, I've met them) now would be a good time to stop reading, as it all goes downhill from here.

...Now on with my 'response/rebuttal' of Jenna's blog statement.

***

Jenna: "I can't even express the extreme serenity that came over me once I saw my children inside me."

Me: I wonder what sensations she must have felt when all those guys were inside of her.

"I have never felt more like a woman, or more alive."

Really? I suppose that's why you've "been spending my days on bedrest, not because it is doctor ordered...but because, I am so incredibly fatigued and nauseous". So I suppose being 'alive' is synonymous with being 'bedridden', 'fatigued' and 'nauseous'? Either that, or you're already on the set of your next film. The more you know...

"Tito is happier than I have ever seen him..."

My God! What charismatic and unbreakable spirit Tito must have - I mean he's happy even after Machida kicked his ass for three rounds straight! Well, he should be happy, after all he used to be addicted to Crystal-Meth and is now dating a Skank...So I guess he could be doing worse.

"[...] which is hard for me..."

Like a vibrating dildo? Or like a basic math-problem?

"[...] I am always so active!"

I know what you're talking about Jenna; I started watching your videos back when I was like 11.

"I have officially gained 7 pounds so far, and am planning on a lot more."

Is that supposed to be a good thing? I would advise you not to pack on the excess-baggage, or else Tito might follow your lead and end up NOT making weight for his next fight to avoid losing against a can.

"I crave fruit by the gallon..."

Jenna dear, 'Semen' does not constitute as fruit - but if it's by a gallon, in your line of work - cum has to be like 'wine', so yeah, I guess it's probably fruit.

"[...] ornages and pineapple are at the top of my list."

Are you sure you don't mean Orgies/Orisons and Penile-Attachments?

"Cereal at 3 am suits me every night!"

So you mean to tell me that you fantasize about Machida meanwhile Tito's the one who gets lucky under the sheets?! See, Machida -IS- getting screwed by everybody (no pun intended - and yes I don't particularly care if you think my pun WAS intended).

"Lastly, I want to thank all of you for your unwavering support."

I take great pride in knowing that I'm always willing and able to provide a lady support down under when she needs it! And after Tito's loss, she definitely needs it! Of course Ortiz could just use his Ginormous head. Speaking of which, just how will the twins get through her vagina? I mean, I know Jenna's been stretched out a few thousand times, but will those twins really be able to push through?

"There are a lot of nasty comments from insensitive people..."

Uh, no - Jenna sweetheart, those comments only sound 'nasty' because they're from super-sensitive people, you know the type (those with Erectile-Dysfunction who still manage to land jobs at Vivid) after all, you've worked with them. Regardless, they can't possibly be any more 'nasty' than the kind of freaky shit you've done in your day (which perhaps may have half-a-dust-creek's life still left in it, somewhere in there) can it?!

"I love all of you!"

...I wouldn't be surprised if you already did!

***

...But no, I'm happy for them, and I hope the twins are delivered-safe/born-healthy. But seriously, if they're both in there 69ing inside their Mom's crotch, technically haven't they already had sex? Wow, losing virginity before birth. Don't I feel like a complete failure. Oh by the way, I've just checked Jenna's MySpace.Com account, and under education it says "Highschool". Damn, now I REALLY feel like a complete failure. My parents were right - I should have gotten into porn, instead of pursuing a life in music and literature.

Before I end off this update, I'd like Congratulate Tito and Jenna again and wish them the best. And to the twins, have no fears you'll fit in perfectly with all of your classmates, provided it doesn't bother you that they all have video footage of your Mom getting gang-raped by a bunch of guys and your Dad getting his ass kicked by two of my favorite fighters [Ryoto Machida and Chuck "The Iceman" Liddell (21-06-00)]. Really. Just Kidding.

Ah, well - Congrats' to all y'all anyway!!!

~Azzan~